you chose to let me love you
by dxntana
Summary: the most painful goodbyes are the ones never said or explained.


_Every part of me is broken now_

_I tried to scream but nothing came out_

_Drop my pride and I reveal my inside_

_And it all came peeling out._

* * *

I cried a little at night because I missed him and his scent. I missed his dumb text messages about the kids and those little things that reminded me of him. Everything seemed to remind me of him. Of the boy I loved so much, of the person I decided to let go but still hold on to with all my body strength. It's been a month since everything happened, since I got the phone call from his sobbing mother who I call occasionally to check on. She doesn't say much anymore, she's not that woman who I once knew.

'Rachel?' I heard a small whisper and I forced my eyes shut. I felt my bed go down a bit and I realized that its Kurt but I was in no state to talk, maybe I'd never talk again. A small tear left my eye and I knew that Kurt was aware of it. He rubbed my back soothingly and kept shushing me. And before I knew it, I was crying so hard that I couldn't breathe.

xx.

'Hello, ma'am. Can I help you?' The black haired woman looked at me like I was insane. Maybe I was, I don't even know. I pulled a card out of my bag and handed it over. She seemed to study it for much longer than I expected and I immediately assumed that she was dyslexic because no one takes this much time. She then looked at me after what felt like 5 long minutes and smiled.

'Santana Lopez?' She asked and I nodded my head. Isn't that what's written on the card anyway?

'Ma'am, I know this might be mean for me to ask, but why aren't you talking?' She questioned and I didn't even look at her anymore. I looked at anyone but her and my eyes began to well up with tears. He used to always tell me that he loved my voice and he loved the fact that I couldn't stop talking, and that's why I stopped. My voice was only his to hear and no one else, but I did not share that with this woman. I just looked away and tried to push the tears away. I did that quite a lot for the past month. She stared at me sympathetically and even without looking at her, I knew that. Everyone did nowadays.

'I'm sorry, I'll call Mrs. Lopez right now. Are you a friend? Patient?' She was filled with questions and I couldn't understand how Santana chose her as an assistant but I just nodded my head, hoping she'd get the message and just send me to Santana. She dialed a number and kept 'hmm'-ing for a few seconds before hanging up and smiling at me.

'You can go now, Mrs. Berry.' I began walking away and clutched my bag with such force as a couple of tears landed on my cheeks.

xv.

'Did you find anything?' Kurt impatiently asked, curious to know everything as I sat next to him, quiet like always. People always tell me that they miss hearing my voice but that just makes me wonder. They used to hate my voice and now they're begging for a little whisper although they all know that that's not happening. I might not be audibly loud but my thoughts are more than loud.

'Sir, please calm down,' the pale man with dirty curls said, as he searched through his endless stack of papers. Santana and Sam were each siting on my sides, Santana's hand grasping mine while Sam just kept switching glances with me, smiling every once in a while. He looked tired and he called me once, in tears and I calmed him down, he fell asleep during the phone call and I felt a little better about everything. A little.

'Please hurry up, we don't have all day. I have an exam to catch up to but I had to be here. I just, I - I had to.' Sam stuttered and just closed his eyes before opening them again. His bright green eyes looked exhausted and tired and upset. What sucked the most was the fact that the only person who could make him better couldn't attend.

'Got it!' The cheery man said. Kurt breathed out a sigh of relief while I felt tense and Santana seemed to notice. She tucked a strand of my hair behind my ears before rubbing my thumb.

'Hey, don't worry, okay? I'm here, sanny is here. I know that you don't want to be here but you'll want to know later on. I know you, Rachel and I know how everything just eats you up.' She whispered in my ears and my eyes fluttered shut. Why did she have to be so right? Sam playfully nudged my shoulder and that's when I knew that this is reality and I'll have to face it either now or some time after but it'll never go away.

'He was a very brave man, indeed. I've seen him once and we used to hang out for some time, I never really knew his last name but this picture just reminded me of him. He's a pretty good guy, big heart I must add,' Blaine, apparently that's his name, said and everyone smiled, except Rachel. She knew all that, she knew about his big heart and how much he cared about people, whether he knew them or not.

'Yes, he was. Very uncommon to find in these places.' Sam said, smiling a little.

'Firefighter, worked at NYPD. Graduated from NYU on a football scholarship, pretty impressive. And he taught kids how to play the drums at his apartment, am I right?'

'Yes, that's him.' Kurt confirmed and the man just nodded.

'He... his life went a little downhill earlier this year. Did you guys suspect anything? Like odd behavior of any sort?' He pushed his papers away and sat confidently on his chair. His black plump couch no longer felt comfortable because now was the time to talk but his question just stung in her head. Odd behavior? I brushed the thought away, he was just doing his job as a psychiatrist with all these questions.

'He stopped calling home.' Sam finally said after a long moment of silence.

'Did he normally call a lot? And was it normal for him not to call?'

'He called, a lot, and filled us in on whatever happened. He once called just to tell me he found the perfect cat stuck on a tree and he named her drizzle, because it was raining a bit when he found her. He wouldn't stop sending me pictures or just, generally calling to fill us in on what that cat had destroyed in his apartment. But after a while, he stopped with the random calls and he'd just call once a month, instead of calling twice a week. We just thought he was busy, with work and helping the kids and maybe that's all it is. Do you know anything, Mr. Anderson?' Sam looked calm, and he smiled a lot throughout his story telling time. I remember that cat. He wouldn't stop gushing about her and my mind wouldn't stop racing in thoughts. They'd all been here before, they had sessions with Mr. Anderson but it was my first. I never really agreed on just throwing all my problems on someone else because that's just wrong. I didn't need someone else to handle my problems but everyone seemed to objectify on that and I was eventually tricked into coming.

'Unfortunately Sam, I don't. All of you know that I'll tell you anything i find.'

They all nodded and just sat quietly until Mr. Anderson decided to talk again.

'Rachel, right?' He asked and i didn't move my gaze from the floor but i could feel his eyes on me.

Santana coughed and then answered for me. 'Yes, she's Rachel. She's not much of a talker but if you're lucky, she'll actually look at you. Don't count on it, though.'

He chuckled lightly and bent down a little and now Rachel could see him. But she didn't look anywhere else, she couldn't.

'Do you have anything you'd like to share, Rachel?' He asked so politely and she felt mean for not even looking at him. She just shook her head and raced to the door. This was a bad idea after all.

vv.

Nine months without him and she's been attending Mr. Anderson's sessions more often. She started talking but only if needed. Mostly to people she didn't know, because why make them feel upset, thinking they did something to you? No one deserved that but she still couldn't find the courage to speak to her friends. She began working at the workshop again but she still declines every single offer she gets for a role, she's not ready for that yet. She doesn't think she'll ever be ready for that. Santana is waiting for her at Starbucks, holding a cappuccino in her hands which looks a lot like what Rachel usually orders.

'Hey smut, I got you your drink since I don't want you to fall asleep again.' Santana's back to her normal self, insulting and aggravating. I just nodded back at her and we continued walking to our location. The roads were quiet today even though they were congested and she knew what this meant.

'I miss your voice, smut. You don't talk as much and this sucks. Like, who's going to tell me how slutty I look today?' I finally studied her outfit and noticed how short her shorts are that you can actually get a glimpse of her huge ass. Her boobs are sticking out more than the usual and I bet that if she bent down to pick something, they'd just pop out. Her hair is closed in a messy donut bun and her white tank top is showing way too much skin for my liking but I don't comment. I never do anymore, instead I just raise an eyebrow at her.

'Okay I know what you're thinking but Mr. Anderson is hot and I was thinking if he wants to like, party in my room. We can sex it up, i bought a package of condoms.'

I think she's being insensitive, mentioning guys around me but I'm over that because people have lives and boyfriends and crap. Just because my life got stolen away from me doesn't mean I have to ruin everyone else's life. I smiled a little and Santana just looked happy, maybe because of the gesture.

'I'm aware that he's gay and I'm kidding, I don't want him. I want his secretary, Brit. She's a bi, she told me last week and I'm planning to get my fingers in her core.' I closed my eyes in disgust, trying to get that image out of my head but screw Santana for being so damn descriptive all the time.

'Stop.' I mumbled and my voice was scratchy from not saying anything in ages. I lost count of days and she just grinned, happy that she got a word out of me. The office felt different today and so did Kurt and Sam. It seemed weird that they still attended because they moved on. We don't talk about him much but the topic is always brought up from time to time and I immediately feel uncomfortable and the urge to leave becomes strong, but after Kurt barking at me about how much he pays for these sessions, I know what's best for me and my health.

'Hey guys, how're you feeling?' Blaine asked as he basically threw himself on his chair. Everyone began babbling about their days and I found myself feeling okay for once but I shooed the feeling away because I didn't deserve to feel okay, not without him.

'Today is the day that we talk about him and all of you are talking,' he eyed me suspiciously. 'I'll sit all day and cancel all my appointments so you guys can take your time. Let's begin, Santana.' He gestured to Santana so she'd begin talking about him but I just didn't get it. How was I supposed to talk about him? How do these things work? Maybe zoning out most of the time didn't really come in handy right now.

'I remember that one time in high school when he found out that I was a lesbian, that I had a thing with girls and he just pulled me away from everyone else and took me to this disgusting janitor closet. I thought he wanted some wild feisty Santana time but he just shook his head in terror and fear at that statement,' she paused for a second, shaking her head and smiling. 'He talked to me and told me how it's okay not to like boys and that liking someone from the same sex isn't wrong. I mean, love is love, right? He held me when I started crying and told me that it isn't so hard to go through this and that it'll be worth it all afterwards because you'll actually feel content with everything. With the outcome, of course and I just felt scared and horrified. I was afraid he would use this against me since it was my weakness but he never did. He hit people who made fun of my sexuality and he'd rush to my house at night when I couldn't stop crying. I hated him so much at first, thinking all he wanted to do was to ruin me but he did the exact opposite. Sometimes I sit here and just thank god that I knew him and that he had such an impact on my life.' She doesn't cry because she's Santana but she looked gloomy. Blaine listened the entire time and when she ended her story, he rubbed her back.

'That's beautiful Santana. I know how hard it is to come out, especially in high school since I was once a victim of all the jokes and harassing because it is worth it in the end, isn't it?' He asked her earnestly.

'Always.' Is all she says.

vvx.

It's been a year since everything changed. Since he decided to leave me and I felt numb today but the activities that had to be done couldn't just be postponed. Mondays were the days I spent with Santana and then we'd go to Mr. Anderson's office. It feels like a life routine now and I'm a bit better than I used to be. I don't cry every time they mention him, instead I smile and cherish the fact that he was mine for quite a long time and that I already knew half these things but it felt really good, hearing new stories about him like he was still here. I sometimes convinced myself that he was.

'Good morning,' I said as I sat on the couch after greeting everyone, including Blaine. This place felt like home now and Blaine is more of a friend rather than my doctor. We spent a couple of hours together sometimes, he introduced me to this music store which I spent hours in, just looking at records. I know the place like the palm of my hand now and the excitement that fills my blood every time they get a new bunch of records is undeniable.

'So guys, today's Rachel's turn. We never heard anything from you and I was hoping you're ready. You knew your time was going to come.' Blaine said and I looked around to be surrounded by welcoming eyes and tissues boxes placed on the table in front of me. I ran away from everything for a year and now it's finally my time to say something and I'm not going anywhere, he deserves to be set free.

I chugged on my bottle of water before beginning, my throat already feeling dry.

'I remember way too many things to begin with. I remember his brown tousled hair and his welcoming amber eyes. I remember how his eyes scrunch up every time he laughs and how his dimples take every inch of his face when he smiles. I remember the day I first talked to him and the day we shared our first kiss. I remember our first performance together and the first time he told me that he loved me. I remember his dumb Christmas gift and his dumb sense of humor. I remember the day he proposed to me and the day he sent me off to New York,' I just stopped midway because everything was coming back way too fast, I wasn't crying yet but I was screaming on the inside.

'I remember when he visited me in New York and I had a guy over. A guy who I thought would make me move on and leave Finn because he was no longer mine to have but I couldn't. Every time Brody touched or kissed me, I imagined Finn and his tall figure with his broad shoulders and stupid smirk he always had on. We didn't talk at all after that, I hated him for a while but I kept laughing at myself because I could never hate him. I went back to Lima for Mr. Shue's wedding but all I could think about was him, Finn Hudson, the boy who came all the way to New York to hit the crap out of Brody. He left Lima a month after that and came here to live in Brooklyn, we weren't that close but at least we weren't hours away. I called him every night and he'd tell me about that bird who kept staring at him when he was walking in Central Park or that guitarist busking in Times Square. He even took videos of that and he'd send it to me. My heart was throbbing with love towards him and one night, before he hung up, he told me he loved me and I cried. I just couldn't stop crying because he still had feelings for me even after I cheated on him with his best friend in high school. I did that to make him jealous but I still did. He'd always laugh at that and he'd tell me he deserved it, to be kicked in the ass a little to learn how to value a girl's love towards him. We started spending more time together after that, I'd sometimes walk to his station and hide cookies on his table and he'd call and thank me. Or sometimes he'd show up at my play's rehearsal and clap until they kick him out. We were dating at that time, or that was what I thought but little did I know that he thought the same as well. We'd sometimes go to bars and just dance like idiots and it was very unlikely of me to embarrass myself but I didn't care, I had him. One night after my off-broadway show's first night, he was standing backstage holding blue orchids and red roses with yellow tips, he got down on one knee and proposed. I said yes, of course. But marriages aren't really our thing so it never happened, again. He got us this huge apartment and we just stayed there and everything was just amazing. My life couldn't have been better. Oh how wrong was I. I knew that I was pregnant a month after and he was so happy that he just started dancing, he cried a little and kept kissing me and he promised me that he'd take care of both of us,' I started sobbing and I'd usually just stop in the middle to breathe because this is just too much but I had to do it, I had to let it go. Kurt began rubbing soothing circles on my hand and Sam pushed the hair that was blocking my face away, encouraging me to finish. This has been the most I've said in a year and I felt like I was returning to my old self again.

'He got promoted and he began his drumming sessions, the one where he taught kids because we needed the money and he didn't let me work. He'd sometimes come to the kitchen with sweat on his forehead and he'd whisper 'this is all for you and that little angel growing inside you day by day' then he'd kiss my forehead and go back. This went on for a while and we had set up the child's room, refusing to know the sex until she or he was born. I remember that night like it was yesterday. He took me to meet his boss's place and we were all dancing and I just felt tired suddenly so we all sat and he wouldn't stop bragging about how talent I am and how his child is coming really soon. I suddenly felt wet and I checked the glass in my hand to see if I spilled water and that's when I noticed the pool under my legs. I let a whimper out and he was well aware of what was going on. He told someone to grab my bag so he could carry me downstairs and I wouldn't stop crying because I couldn't tolerate pain and he kept whispering words of encouragement in my ears. The contractions were horrible and once I was in my hospital gown, all I did was shout at him,'

'That's true, I have it on tape since Finn was videoing the whole thing and she was annoyed.'

I laughed for the first time and wiped the tears away.

'Yeah, I kept telling him that as soon as I was done getting this child, I would chop his dick off and feed it to the wolves. He looked petrified but he just went back to operation make sure Rachel doesn't chop my dick off. I forgot about all that after the child was in my hands and it was so beautiful. It had my eyes and hair but had Finn's dimples and nose. I never saw anything or anyone as beautiful as our child, something we both created. It was a baby boy and Finn was looking at him with tears in his eyes, allowing a couple to fall before kissing my forehead. He didn't want to let him go and I knew that he was safe as long as Finn held him. He told me that he was so happy that out of all the people in the world, he met me and loved me and started a family with me. He wanted a girl and I kind of wanted a girl too but I was so happy that I got a little boy. Someone who'd become a lot like his father someday. Handsome, kind and just... Finn. One week after all this, the hospital and the color painting, Finn wanted to go to Lima so he could see his mom, who couldn't just leave Burt due to his conditions. He wanted to tell her about his little son that he was so proud of and he went... But he never came back,' I wasn't crying anymore because all the emotions were bottled up in me and it felt different sharing it with all these people who knew Finn, whether it was personally or just a small greeting. It was Finn, my love, my heart, my soul mate and my husband. The father of my son.

'He turned one a week ago and we just took a stroll to the park and visited Finn's favorite place. I cried a little after I put him to sleep because he'll never know how amazing his father is and how big his heart is. How he saved a cat and just... Was so happy about it for ages. He was sad to hand it back to its rightful owner but he couldn't stop smiling after I told him about this baby that we made together because he is the rightful owner. Adam learned his first word and it was mama. On his birthday, he said dada and I was just beyond happy. Finn would've wanted that, he would've screamed because his little son said dada and he'd tease me about it. Sometimes I wish I never let him go or at least, I went with him. None of this would've ever happened -'

'It's not your fault, Rachel.' Blaine said, after being quiet for the longest time.

'I know that now but still, I wish he was here to experience everything his son is going through and I just want him here for me. I miss him so much, so so much and I'm tired of crying. I'm numb now but I'm trying to be a better person for my son, not some depressed maniac. He would've never wanted that, he would've never wanted me to beat myself up constantly.'

'Is that why you decided to start talking today?'

'Yes, it's what he would've wanted. For Finn, and for Adam.'

'What's his full name? Goes by Hummel or Hudson?' Blaine asked with curiosity and Kurt just laughed at that.

'He never wanted to let the Hudson slip away from his name, no matter how much I tried. He'll forever be Finn Hudson.'

'Adam Hudson, then?'

I smiled at that, because I felt so proud.

'Adam Finn Hudson. His middle name is Finn now, we were going to put something like Xavier or some other odd name he wanted but after all that, I wanted his name to be apart of all this.'

'Adam Finn Hudson.' Blaine repeated.

'Adam Finn Hudson.'

Xx.

The weather was breezy today as we walked around Central Park. The city was loud and cheery because in a week, it would be Christmas and seriously, who dislikes Christmas?

'Mom! Come here, quick,' Adam screamed from the other side of the playground. I smiled at that and walked towards him, kicking the leaves on my way there. He was hiding something behind his back and his smile was so big that it reached his eyes.

'What is it, baby?' I asked as I sat down, not entirely touching the floor.

'I got you something for your birthday. I know I'm late but at least I tried. What's that thing you always say? It's the thought that counts?' He scrunched up his eyebrows in confusion as I let out a laugh. I ruffled his hair and smiled.

'That's exactly it. Now show me what you got, I want to see it!' I enthusiastically said, clapping my hands in happiness. He giggled and brought my gift to view. He was holding a bouquet of blue orchids and the tears were threatening to fall but I couldn't cry, not here.

Adam frowned and stared at me. 'Do you not like it, mom? I can get you something better.'

'No baby, I love it; I love it so much that it almost brought me to tears. How did you manage to get that?' I rubbed my eyes and pulled him closer to me; afraid he might catch a cold.

'Well, I gathered some money that Uncle Kurt gave me. You know, when I listen to him complain about Uncle Blaine and how much hair gel he uses. I really wanted that toy car but this was worth all that listening,' he pushed the bouquet closer to me and I took it away from him, eyeing and observing it. How did a boy who never met his father, ended up exactly like him? How did he even know that his father bought me blue orchids all the time, especially when I was upset? I had a feeling Kurt mentioned it to him but it was just our thing, no one knew it was a continuous act. I hugged Adam so hard, I was afraid he'd disappear. Once he pulled away, he played with my hair like he always did when he was nervous. He'd usually kick the leaves but it depends on how nervous he was.

'Thank you Adam, this is the prettiest gift anyone has ever given me.'

'But you always said I was the prettiest gift anyone has ever given you.' He pouted his lips and I playfully poked his stomach, earning a loud laugh out of him. Sneaky child.

'Well, you're a gift from god. I'm talking about a human being, smart boy.'

'Even better than Uncle Kurt's present? He keeps telling me to buy your clothes for you because you have a horrible taste in fashion. But mom, he bought you an entire closet worth of new clothes!' He exclaimed and spoke with such excitement, one of the things I loved the most about kids.

'Well I do not have a horrible taste in fashion, thank you very much. And yes, yours is still better. Shh, don't tell Uncle Kurt!' He giggled before zip locking his lips. He grabbed my hands and pulled me up, dragging me towards the other side of the park. I just let him drag me wherever he wanted to go; he was as stubborn as I was, unfortunately, so asking him would do me no good. We ended up standing on Brooklyn Bridge, looking below us. The water was crystal clear today and it smelled like the beach.

'Is there some reason you got me here, Mister?' I looked down to see him on his tippy toes, trying to catch a glance of the water. He huffed, giving up and he looked at me before nodding his head.

'Yup,' he said, popping the letter p.

'Well, are you going to tell me or will I have to call Mr. Tickle to help?'

'No! Not him, I'll tell you. But just promise me you won't cry.'

I bent down and held his hands again, looking at his chestnut colored eyes. Eyes filled with hope and confidence and life.

'Why do you think I'm going to cry? Is it because of the flowers? I wasn't sad, Adam. I was being honest when I told you that I loved them. I'm always honest, you know that.'

'Okay, then tell me. Did you like those pancakes I got from school?'

'Absolutely not,' I answered confidently, chest high up in the air.

'Mom! I made those!' He gasped, reminding me a lot of Kurt.

'I was being entirely honest, like you asked. Now, will you spare me the details and please, get to your point?' I sighed; this boy couldn't get any more stubborn than he already was.

He looked around the place before asking, eyes afraid that it's not the right thing to do.

'Did daddy ever get you those flowers? Was that why you were sad?' His words hit me with a pang of sadness. I was going to hurt Kurt as soon as I met up with him. Adam looked at me with worry, like he had said something wrong. I rubbed his arms reassuringly and smiled softly.

'Yes, daddy always got me those flowers. How do you know that?'

'I was reading, like you told me because my reading isn't that good and so it can improve my spelling since a 97 isn't that good, so I opened one of your books and a paper fell off. The handwriting was messy but I understood it all and I read the word blue orchids so I asked Auntie Santana about them and she showed me pictures. I assumed you like them.' He started kicking the ground; nervous once again that he said something wrong. If he scratched his neck, I could've sworn he was Finn.

'You assumed right; it was a little something between us. You know?' I asked him and he nodded, obviously still curious.

'Why don't we ever talk about him, mom? And why does he never visit?'

'We can talk about him all you want, okay? I'll show you videos and pictures, anything you like.' I tried leaving the last part out, even after all these years, I never actually believed that he was gone. Never.

'You didn't answer my question, mommy.' He crossed his arms and I cursed the fact that he had to get my stubborn trait. For a 6 year old, he was too damn stubborn.

'He's not coming back, addy. He's with the angels, we talked about this before.' He nodded his head and smiled.

'I heard this thing in school about angels looking down on us and protecting us?'

I smiled at his intelligence, Finn would've been proud to have such a smart son.

'Yes, he knows what you do and who you're friends with. He's with you all the time, even if you can't see him.' He looked confused but he still nodded his head. This was way too much information for a little kid at his age.

'Come on, let's go.' I poked his little arm and he grinned before running ahead of me, only to force me to catch up with him. On our way back home, I heard him whisper something that made me smile.

'Happy birthday, daddy.'

* * *

_I've had time and I've had change,_

_I've been broken but still I can't explain._

_Our July in the rain._

_Would you bring me back_

_to holding hands in the rain,_

_I swear I'd ease your pain._

_Lift you up so you could finally see_

_The love you are to me. _


End file.
